dizzying moments of contentedness, influenced by something soft. this house is a plague on my brain
dinner's getting cold, you haven't touched a thing. so what's it gonna be? I can hold out much longer than you.
lowest weight: 99
current weight: 122
goal weight I: 111
goal weight II: 100
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine
somehow i managed to gain weight without noticing, until the day i put my jeans on instead of my skirts and dresses, and my jeans now barely fit. i ate once today and i’m fine with it. i just quit smoking and i regret it. i am hungry all the time and it’s making me moody and i am taking it out on others. i began 2014 with a relapse and the people closest to me are telling me to eat healthy and exercise. stop. stop. i have been eating disordered since i was 13 and i find it insulting when someone says, “why don’t you just diet and exercise?” first, i exercise for a living, 5-6 days a week. i am a dog walker. i still managed to gain this winter while walking dogs every day. the only way i know how to “diet” is by not eating. i don’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore. everyone tells me i do not look like i gained but i know i did because my clothes don’t fit, and they didn’t shrink.
i feel like crying all the time. i’ve become afraid of food again and i am back to hating my body again. even when i was at my lowest weight, i still looked disgusting. i don’t think i will ever be healthy. i feel like i’m choking.